nothing to write, nothing to post, nothing to think about execpt the value of a rant...for the hell of it

Publish these thoughts in your own mind for whatever reason may be deemed necessary by anyone who does or doesn't matter. Sounds like a misdirected, convoluted statement; doesn't it? Maybe, but for me this is what my life is like. It is a series of decisions based on questions and in reality I would like to propose that that is what life is made of right? Questions, decisions, and results. Yeah, bland. This feels very bland. Like this needs some life. Like do I need to dig into the dirt and find the roots of my very being or nature? Get into the blood and guts of existence? Ugh, what the fuck is that? That sounds like some psychopathic bullshit if you ask me. But this my friend is what I'm faced with and this is what I'm thinking about today. This fine beautiful Saturday afternoon, in which it is 12:47pm and I am still enjoying the comforts of my cushy bed. I don't want to leave it. I've been lying here all morning just writing...writing for myself to figure things out. To relish the moment. Thankfully, my heart and mind are no longer filled with the painful angst that used to haunt me. I have found peace. I have found peace with myself and my life and I am so very grateful. I suppose that feeling or thought is somewhat dichotomous inasmuch that I used to rely on my frustrations for inspiration; or wait, maybe I didn't rely on them at all, there were just there and they served as the impetus to get things rolling. Whatever the case may be, I'm here now. I have gone through this sort of trial ground or right of passage that has brought me to a comfortable upward trajectory of sufficient comfort with myself and they way things are. And let me tell you, I am grateful; fucking grateful. No more panic stricken rants for me, from now on everything will be spring from the dark abyss of my unwilling subconscious...no, no, I'm just kidding. I suppose that is what scares me. Like, my writing used to drag me forward. It sort of led the way in my life in order to help me stay sane, but now I am moderately, sufficiently sane and writing is like my partner, my friend, or maybe even my servant and slave, when she used to be my master. That is weird. It is weird to have control over myself. Hum. Interesting. Anyway, so now the next big question I have facing my little life is where to focus my efforts. Non-fiction or fiction and what genre? Like I have so many subjects I'm interested in, and so many things, but at the end of the day, you have to focus on something; right? Oh wait...this is or might be an necessary question for in reality all I have to do is subjugate the world around me, so let me do some subjugation of reality...I could tell you about the people by the beach or I could be critical of those around me. But what purpose would that serve? None at all. I heard it said recently that you should judge yourself most harshly and see the best or believe in the best in others. Maybe for you that is normal, common sense. But not for me; it has taken years of hard work to not only accept others, but to accept myself. And really, when I stop and think about it, that is what has given me the ability to accept others.

The Soaring Sky

The days, weeks, months, and years have all convoluted themselves into this one moment. This one moment of realization that has become my life. Wondering if I am at the proper maturity level? Or wait, am I at an acceptable intellectual level? What about emotional, spiritual, and physical? Even thinking about such questions makes me wonder, why the hell do I think about these things? The answer lies in me comparing myself with others. I'm pretty sure the reason I consider such questions is due to my inability to control my ego's desire to compete. Alright, so I was able to get that figured out within myself, but what else remains? What remains is, what I am still doing is, I am competing with myself. Okay, great, I made some headway and could possibly be a step in the right direction. What does this all mean? Again, the answer is probably nothing, not a damn thing. Just making peace with myself, ya know, after all that's kind of important. Learning to forgive oneself, learning to forgive myself for all the years of experimentation and wandering willfully in the maze of confusion that has brought me to this supposed general understanding about the way might be. Not that I am some great avatar or anything, but the fact of the matter is, that over the past two and half years or so, I have made tremendous gains in my own personal evolution. Hey so,... let me tell you a little about it, just because, I mean I really have a lot to talk about (love), but, if you don't mind I'd like to give you a little bit of background information on to how I got to this place in my life. Basically, I pissed away fifteen fucking years chasing meaningless, made-up societal bullshit. That's what it boils down to; that's the simple explanation. But, you know, let me elaborate a bit. I bought the lie that's fed to us, hook line and sinker. This lie that circulates and is presented to us through our own collective ego of subjective, shallow attainment. Yeah, I was the perfect cog for the machine. Ignorant, confused and greedy. The perfect worker bee, a shell of a man, a soulless cog working for the accumulation of things that were meant to give validation and confirmation of my humanity. There really are a lot of ingredients that contribute to misguide this dysfunctional personality profile as there are with all humans, ingredients like, spiritual and familial influences, social environment and educational background, which at this stage in my life, I consider them all positionally neutral, but life directionally effective. I entered my early twenties literally in a fucking tailspin, wrought with a potent concoction of teenage experience that included avid drug use and fanatical Christianity. Yeah, I was off to a great start, not a clue in the world as to what was my purpose was, or what was important or, what my life mission should, or could be. Therefore, I spent the past decade in a half figuring that all out, which, I must admit gratefully, I have come to some acceptable conclusions as to what is important and how to go about it. Simple things like truth, love, beauty, integrity, honor, family, friends, excellence, sense of purpose, and education. God, I love it. But, it's so funny because I remember back then all I wanted to do was get rich. Ha ha! Get that green mutha fucka's! Yeah I fucked around, I moved up to the Big Bear mountain resort to do some snowboarding, at that stage before I got the money bug, all I wanted to do was mac chicks and get d-d-d-drunk. Dude, I was all over the place, as I know a lot of us were and still are. I remember after the mountain expedition I didn't know what I wanted to do, and for some cotton picking reason I thought it would be a good idea to get into bartending! Which, was cool yeah, when I think about it, it really did provide me with a bit of experience that I otherwise wouldn't have gotten. But, if you are going to value you're life as to what you achieve by a certain age, then I screwed the proverbial pooch. And the only reason for that is, that I just got all sidetracked and mixed up with the drinking life. It got a little out of hand for a while. And the by product of all that drinking was..., I wanted to make some cash... and quick. So I spent a lot of time devising these plans on how to make money for the sheer sake of making money. I did Multi-Level Marketing programs, I started a business with my pop, I wanted to do something that I felt passionate about, so I started a skateboard shop. I did all of these things, but I was basically floundering. The reason I'm telling you all of this is because it was pretty much a hapless existence and was ultimately an exercise in futility and frustration and left me desperately unfulfilled. It got pretty disturbingly dark at times, so much so, that if you can imagine me alone, driving on the freeway, so hurt, so angry and lost that I would scream obscenities and hateful things at the top of my lungs. Or, for instance, lying in a puddle of my own puke on multiple occasions. And then there was the passing out drunk in the middle of intersections and being rescued by strangers. One of my most horrible memories was me weeping in the shower and telling my lover that I hated myself desperately, I didn't want to be me, I wanted to escape my company. I got into a fight and ruined a wedding, which I was obliterated drunk and got my lip severed in two and became the humiliated recipient of twelve stitches on my face which will serve as an reminder every time I look into the mirror as to the depths I am capable of falling. And then, there were the constant thoughts of blowing my brains out; I think now you pretty much get the idea of who I was. Ironically, living at the precipice of death, insanity, and despair for so long provided me with some tools and insights of what I have now come to learn are extremely valuable. It's been just a little over two years now, when the healing started, it's about that time that I received to what I now know as a gift. It's a gift bestowed upon me by the gods or you could say that I received it from the shoemakers elves. I supposed they all knew how dreadful my situation was and decided to have mercy on my poor wretched soul. Now, you must know that this gift is not a tangible item, it's almost difficult to explain, but I will give it a try. You see God brought me to place of understanding many years ago, that, "if you want to be great in the Kingdom of God, learn to be the servant of all." He did this by indoctrinating me at a young age with some religious text (namely the Bible) that I have never been able to forget, which, by the way, I am very, very grateful for. So, this verse, along with many others have rung true in my brain for my entire life. Yes, at times they were a cause for extreme bewilderment but in the end, or as of late rather, have provided a springboard for greater peace in my life. What happened was, is that I was all mixed up and didn't know what to do a couple of years ago, I was extremely unhappy in my job and was considering different career options. One of which was becoming a chef. Not that I had any special talent at cooking, but I have worked in restaurants on and off for years and I didn't mind the work. Hence, I thought it would be a nice fit. So I got a job as a busboy to make some extra cash and think more deeply about how to structure my life. So there I am, thirty-four years old, I'm bussing tables. In my mind, I'm the serving the servers how much more of a servant could you get, right? Remember the whole, "servant of all" bit? I loved this place and would love to tell you about it, but I feel that this blog is getting a little long, so I want to wrap it up, anyway during my time at this place I met some very interesting people and would have the most stimulating conversations. So stimulating however that one day I was confronted with my own ignorance. I mean, I felt so uninformed, like I was a complete dolt. It was amazing. Like, I've always considered myself genuine. I hate to be fake, I hate to kiss ass, I hate to put on any kind of social mask (I have to admit, I do it, put on the social mask. If you look at the following post, you will see that I love to do it, which isn't true. I desire to be kind, I want to be happy and am on a quest to genuinely achieve this goal, this along with my purpose in life. I realize it is a necessary in order function at some degree in society, but I try and for the most part...),... what you see is what you get with me and I'll tell you, that doesn't bode well for a lot of people. They prefer it if you "keep up appearances," that way everyone stays comfortable. Well, fuck that, royally. Anyway, all of a sudden I just realized how deeply I had fallen in my own ability to reason. I was uninformed and did not possess the simple tools of rationality, comprehension, and intellectual skills necessary to make a positive impact in our society. I was stunned, terrified, and completely taken aback. That night, I decided I was going to college and was going to get my god damn degree no matter what. It's weird, because for some reason I didn't think I could. I thought I was somehow intellectually inferior and I was lost in a pool of booze and self-doubt. Ugh, it was horrible. Anyway, let me wrap this up and I'll tell you about the gift I received. Which, now that I think about it, there are many gifts here. The gift of confidence, the gift of education, the gift of inner-peace, but those are not the gifts I'm talking about, although they all kick ass, they are basically by products of this other gift. And here it is. After my serendipitous conversation with those wonderful kids who God used to shed light on my disillusionment, I purchased a laptop so I could take notes and do my school work now that I as going to be a college student. Now, when I got my laptop, I started to work on and write in my journal. Now, I have been journaling sporadically for years. But the December before my first semester back at school my New Years Resolution was to write in my journal every day. Which I faithfully did. A few months into it something strange started to happen, something mystical and magical, my journal began to take on a life of it's own and I was like some kind of innocent bystander. The point being is that I wrote a lot in that darn computer, so much so that it began to become a vehicle for me to figure things out in my life. At first it was just an experiment and a tool to make sense out of life and then it became a necessity. So that my friends was the gift I received. I wrote out a desire to release my pain, to objectify my demons if you will and what I found was hope, what I found was myself. It's been truly a-fucking-mazing this past couple years. That first year, I remember saying, I learned more about myself that one year, than I did the previous fifteen combined. Now, as I close the second year of my writing life, I have made some serious life changing decisions with some concrete actions steps that have not only helped me define my goals and aspirations, but have actually put in on course moving toward achieving them. God bless you and thanks for reading.

Christmas Gardener's

Gosh darn, mother effer's! Now, I really could cuss my brains out, but I don't want you to know gauche I really am. Justin kidding, it's all a facade anyway. I, like most of society, love to wear my social mask and project what I like others to think of me for the world to see. Today is a wonderful day. Again, a wonderful day. I really can't imagine why God has given me so many wonderful days in rapid succession like He has as of late. But, who am I to complain? I am nothing but a speck on a cell on a freckle on the ass of the Universe. I do have one interesting observation that I would like to share with you, yes a deep meaningful, life changing observation. Shhh, are you ready? Well, I'm sitting here in my bed. Just writing away in my journal, getting to know myself and all, thinking how amazing Christmas time is and listening to traditional Christmas Carol music on KUSC, when all of a sudden I hear them. I hear them in the distance, speaking there familiar, but all too un-understandable language. "Arriba Arriba...aye...aye...aye!" What the heck? Oh, yes it's the gardener's. I love my little Mexican friends. And, these guys are little. I mean, I'm no Paul Bunyan or anything, but these guys are like a full foot shorter than me! Anywho, they start up their equipment and making all kinds of noise. It's cool. Brrrrrr, goes the leaf blower, right outside my window. In my angrier days, I probably would have...I probably would have..., well, I probably would have done nothing. I would have bit my lip? I don't know. Nothing. I just would have sat here and went, come on man, I'm trying to write in peace in here. Yeah, write in peace. Anyway, you'll be glad to know, I got a job offer today! Yep, I may be once again be gainfully employed. Go ahead and cross your fingers for me, because I still have to do a background check and a drug screening. Which both of those are questionable. Well, I haven't smoked weed in about a month so I should be okay. But God, who knows how many times I've been to jail? Shit, and the mental hospital? Jeeze, countless. I mean nothing serious or anything. Just the usual, you know, trying to use my holy piss to cast out demons from the tree's. I'm sure I'll be okay. That was a long time ago.

Mother's Market and Kitchen

This is where I eat. This is where I shop. I don't just eat there for the cute waitresses. I eat there because I like the whole communist hippie vibe and I believe organic food is healthy. I'll tell you something I did once, just a little while ago. I went to a BBQ at a C.S.A Farm. And just in case your wondering, C.S.A. stands for Community Supported Agriculture. I had no idea what the heck it meant, so I felt enlightened once I found out. Furthermore, once I started to understand the whole concept behind the operation I felt a little better about myself. Basically, these people work and live there for like four-hundred bucks a month to farm and eat really good organic food. Now, I'm not sure about how much Mother's Market buys into this supposed socialist agenda and how much is just a front to make some cash, but I have to believe, even for my own sake that there are people out there that are doing good for goodness sake. That's basically the real deal. Doing good because it's the right thing to do, ya know? Damn, this was going to be my first attempt at a restaurant review, but I think I'm getting sidetracked. That's okay though, cause it's my blog, right. Gosh, now I'm all insecure that the world is going to know how ignorant I am. Oh well. Here I am naked and ignorant. Just kidding. Fuck, where was I. Sorry, I was getting all depressed because I wasn't depressed anymore and I was afraid that my inspiration was leaving me. So much so that I popped a couple of Nyquils to knock me out. It must be taking effect. Whew. Okay, so Mother's Market rocks. Although, not everything is organic, you have to pick and choose what you are eating if you are going to do all organic. Oh yes, that reminds me, I was going to tell you about this experiment I did on myself. So anyway, I decided to eat nothing but organic food. I just wanted to see how long I could do it for. At first I was going to do it for the rest of my life, but then after a couple of weeks into it I realized how difficult and impractical it really is. So I figured I was just going to do it for as long as I could. Now, I'm talking I wouldn't even eat hot sauce if it wasn't organic okay. I was seriously serious. And let me tell ya, I never felt so damn good in my life. I got up all early and went for a morning skateboard sesh down at the local Jr. High (that have some big stairs and a killer ledge), and man I felt like a freaking superhero. So much energy and my pop! My pop was amazing, I can't remember the last time I skated so right. So I'll probably go back on the all organic diet again soon. It's badass. But, I just went through all this stuff with my job and right now I don't have one. So I'm a little stressed. Not too bad though. And, I just quit smoking again, so I guess what I'm saying is that I'll keep you posted as to when I start the the organic diet and let you know the results. Eat at Mothers.

A Flushing of the Old and a Fleshing Into the New...

Happy Christmas Eve's Eve wonderful California and the ever so lovely beautiful World!!! Well, it's high time that I began to begun this business of blogging and introduced myself to you, you, yes you, my dear beloved reader. Who am I you ask? Well, I'm just an Observer. I sit around all day and think myself into a dark mysterious hole and then ferociously write myself out of it. I have been doing this for years, and let me tell you it definitely has it's high's and it's known to have it's low's. But don't worry, well try to focus on the high's, for the good Lord knows, there sure is enough dirty, scary, ugly, sludge accumulating at the bottom of the barrel of this situation called humanity. Yeah sure, we may discuss some of the horrendous things that are happening around town and maybe even in my own mind for that matter, but the fact remains that I am doing this for really no reason at all. Nope, I cannot think of any reason; well other than it is in my nature to do so. So rather than go into too much detail of what the hell it is I'll be talking about, I might as get to it. This past week has been an amazing one to say the least. Let me preface that with telling you that the past month or so has been a time of severe transition for your friendly neighborhood Californian. There I was, in this sterile cubicle, working my soul into oblivion, my eyes burned and watered due to the unusual amount of mind numbing anti-stimulation I was receiving. I wept, I screamed, I pounded my desk and gave my colleague's disturbing stares that made them consider that I could possibly go postal, and may even caused them to fear for their very lives. Finally I snapped, I was fed up and just had to quit. I couldn't help it really. I couldn't sleep, I had lost all passion for my life, and basically, I was just spent, I would get physically ill every time that I would go there. Man, it felt good to stop going to work just because. No plan, nothing, just my rebellious heart filled with reckless abandon. Now, please don't misunderstand me, it's not that I disliked any of the people there, if the truth be told, I loved everyone there as much as my own flesh, so much so that I wish I could put them in my pocket and take them home with me. The only reason I stopped going to work is the pain that it inflicted on my brain, and who knows, maybe someday I'll write you a story about it, but that's for a later date to be sure. Because believe me, I could just sit back here and whine my ass off about all the perceived injustices that I may have, or, may have not suffered by the proverbial hand that I allowed to rule over me, but golly gee, that is so 2008, and we are on the cusp of sliding ever so smoothly into 2010, so, for the time being, I'll just forget it and move forward and onward. Therefore, hello blog space. Peace world. Peace, love and hugs.